anxiety baby

i'm not sure if this is a journal entry or a poem, but here goes nothing.

    i think you're so cool. you really give a damn, and i think that's awesome. when i think of you, i think about how much i miss you. but, in eight days, i will get to see you again. eight fucking days. that's like hanukkah, but for the heart. i am SO anxious. like, i want to see you. i want to say hi. i want to surprise you on your birthday and somehow not have that be weird or awkward that i know what your birthday is (but don't blame me, blame the athletics department! they posted it. not me. the only things i post are blog entries.) i wish you knew how awesome i think you are. you have a fucking job. at school. that's awesome. yes, i have been watching a little too much how i met your mother lately, so pardon the barney-isms. at least i fought the urge to call you legendary.

   watching himym reminds me of how much i miss my friends. i miss hanging out with them and talking about the drama we have to report on for the chronicle (super secret goss, sorry b.) i know i write a lot to you. it's a little weird, yes. but i thought i'd stop sending you emails you're not going to read and instead post blog entries for other people to read. i don't want the people at the gym reading my emotional messages to the boy i like. man? guy? i don't know. you're almost nineteen. what's that? or are you almost twenty? i actually don't know.

    there's a lot i don't know about you. i wish i did. i wish i knew what made you want to do what you want to do in life. outlook says your major is 'health sciences' but hell if i know what that means. i want to know how you got into basketball. was it because of your dad? does your dad like basketball? what is that logo for? the one on your beanie and the sticker on your laptop. i noticed it the first time i saw you. and your eyes. i noticed how blue they were. are. who has blue eyes in your family? are these questions weird? being autistic definitely affects the things i want to know about people. i want to know the middle name of literally everyone i have ever met. middle names are cool. i know nothing about yours. except for what classes and outlook tell me; it starts with d. i feel like i'll just end up building all this suspense and then you'll tell me it's david. which is my dad's name. i don't know how i'd feel about that.

    there is one question, though, that is apparently what will make or break the state of our relationship. (in a general sense, not necessarily a romantic relationship). would you ever consider going out with me? i was told by someone much wiser and more experienced than i am that this is the first question i should ask before i get it in my head that we have any sort of romantic chemistry. being your friend would be absolutely amazing, but i'd like to know if there's any more to our story-- if there is an "our story". so, b, when i see you next week, say hi. just hi. anything else is up to you, but i'd really appreciate a greeting. okay, bye, b. you're the coolest. in the geekiest, smartest way, you're awesome. keep being awesome (and i don't mean that in an awkwardly signing your yearbook in seventh grade because i might have unresolved feelings for you kind of way).