this is a weird one

this blog isn't really private

obviously

anyone can come by

but sometimes i wonder if it's you

if you're here instead of there

if that was you last night

if i could ever know

maybe

maybe is all i have

long time no see

sigh. i wish i came with better news. unfortunately, it's been 25 days since i last spoke to a person that means a lot to me, and i have yet to hear his side of the story directly from him. i have been finishing up my fall semester and currently have one more assignment to finish, but i miss this boy. it's hard not knowing. not understanding. i understand this: he's overwhelmed. i'm... a lot. i also understand this: we are permanently interwoven in each other's lives. there is no getting rid of each other. what we can do, however, is come up with a better way to interact that protects both of us and our neurodivergent brains. i never intended to develop an anxious-avoidant pattern with him: i only wanted to talk, laugh, and flirt back when he did. but, i am autistic. i am not always sure. i am not trying to make life harder for anyone. i wish he would have told me. i wish we could sit down and talk about what went wrong. to prevent it from happening again. to keep the good parts and send the frustrations into the past. because if i have learned anything from this life, it's that "i know that we haven't always known each other very well but i remember when we did it was always better".

i know that we haven't always known each other very well but i remember when we did it was always better

so, jonah, if you're reading this, i'm sorry again. i miss talking to you. i hope we're okay. i hope your holiday is warm. i hope your heart is full. i hope your brain is kind. i hope we can move forward.

always,
your crow. 

babylove

i miss u silly

well shit

i feel like i'll just end up building all this suspense and then you'll tell me it's david. which is my dad's name. i don't know how i'd feel about that.

yeah so this happened and of course i predicted it DCFGHVBJKNLHGJVFCH 

oh deer

still in love... oopsie??? i mean it's not my fault tho he has big blue eyes

i love you, i hate you, kiss me on the face

i stg if you don't talk to me before the end of the year i will revolt. your annoyance at my (correct) opinion of you (that you are beautiful) is only fuel to my fire. hold my g-ddamn hand and call me pretty. laugh at my stupid jokes like you used to. where's the smile that met my gaze at the library that rainy february day? where are you and who is this sad man in your place? i don't know if you know this, but it's been you since you held the door for me and laughed at my dumb joke. it's been you, and it's not my fault i want to hold your hand so fucking badly, you've pulled me in and held my heart in your hands for far too long for this to mean anything without you. where did you go, blue eyed boy? 

he looks at me

this is a fairly old one that i really loved, so here it is (:

he looks at me

every day he looks at me

our eyes meet in a momentary gaze

he smiles, brief and charming

and my stomach fills with butterflies

he adjusts his glasses and runs his hand through his hair

and every day we do this little dance

i've sort of gotten used to it

but surely there is more

than just a glance and a grin

someday he'll sit beside me

and we'll look at each other then

happy you're happy

your smile ♡ i’m glad to see it! even if some of your friends have left the team, i know that you are resilient enough not to worry about the things that made them want to. miss u and hope to see u soon

maybe we could, this time.

maybe i thought it was you i saw through the window, and maybe it was. maybe you looked back at me, the way we used to do. maybe i wanted it to be. maybe my longing has lead me to believe that you were there. maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me. maybe, though, they weren't. we've been apart for months. we might not recognize each other right away. we'll come together again, eventually, won't we? we have to. we will. could it have been you? could you have managed to be in the right place, simply at the wrong time? could you be waiting to see me, too? could it all have been worth it? this time i want to believe it. this time you and i could just talk. this time we could start all over again, except you'd be aware of the circumstances. this time, it's going to be us. are we going to make it? maybe we could, this time.

happy birthday, ocean eyes

make a wish <3

have a wonderful, incredible, magical 19th year (& don't forget you're amazing)

xoxo, me

p.s. 

i miss u

anxiety baby

i'm not sure if this is a journal entry or a poem, but here goes nothing.

    i think you're so cool. you really give a damn, and i think that's awesome. when i think of you, i think about how much i miss you. but, in eight days, i will get to see you again. eight fucking days. that's like hanukkah, but for the heart. i am SO anxious. like, i want to see you. i want to say hi. i want to surprise you on your birthday and somehow not have that be weird or awkward that i know what your birthday is (but don't blame me, blame the athletics department! they posted it. not me. the only things i post are blog entries.) i wish you knew how awesome i think you are. you have a fucking job. at school. that's awesome. yes, i have been watching a little too much how i met your mother lately, so pardon the barney-isms. at least i fought the urge to call you legendary.

   watching himym reminds me of how much i miss my friends. i miss hanging out with them and talking about the drama we have to report on for the chronicle (super secret goss, sorry b.) i know i write a lot to you. it's a little weird, yes. but i thought i'd stop sending you emails you're not going to read and instead post blog entries for other people to read. i don't want the people at the gym reading my emotional messages to the boy i like. man? guy? i don't know. you're almost nineteen. what's that? or are you almost twenty? i actually don't know.

    there's a lot i don't know about you. i wish i did. i wish i knew what made you want to do what you want to do in life. outlook says your major is 'health sciences' but hell if i know what that means. i want to know how you got into basketball. was it because of your dad? does your dad like basketball? what is that logo for? the one on your beanie and the sticker on your laptop. i noticed it the first time i saw you. and your eyes. i noticed how blue they were. are. who has blue eyes in your family? are these questions weird? being autistic definitely affects the things i want to know about people. i want to know the middle name of literally everyone i have ever met. middle names are cool. i know nothing about yours. except for what classes and outlook tell me; it starts with d. i feel like i'll just end up building all this suspense and then you'll tell me it's david. which is my dad's name. i don't know how i'd feel about that.

    there is one question, though, that is apparently what will make or break the state of our relationship. (in a general sense, not necessarily a romantic relationship). would you ever consider going out with me? i was told by someone much wiser and more experienced than i am that this is the first question i should ask before i get it in my head that we have any sort of romantic chemistry. being your friend would be absolutely amazing, but i'd like to know if there's any more to our story-- if there is an "our story". so, b, when i see you next week, say hi. just hi. anything else is up to you, but i'd really appreciate a greeting. okay, bye, b. you're the coolest. in the geekiest, smartest way, you're awesome. keep being awesome (and i don't mean that in an awkwardly signing your yearbook in seventh grade because i might have unresolved feelings for you kind of way).

love

is it love? is it admiration? is it infatuation?

all i know is that i like you.

i miss you, and i like you.

b, if you ever see this, which i doubt you will, just know i was thinking of you. 

beach bum

ocean eyes and sandy hair

he's the beach of people

and i don't even like the beach

but i like him

i like him a lot

i think he's special

and unique

i wish he'd take a break

from following his friends around

and explore the world on his own

you could get lost in those ocean eyes

and i would

we all need someone special

someone bright eyed and kindhearted

i had so hoped mine would be him

perhaps there's still a chance

sequel to a daydream

sequel to a daydream

that she had months ago

the storyline is different

the world is new and magical

more than she has ever wanted

she finds a new ideal

a little dream to keep her satisfied

for as long as she’s afraid

she could never say a thing

not one word to him

of course

this time she is not shaking

because this boy does make her nervous

but not like the one before

her poetry is somber

not full of utter glee

yet even though she wants to

she’d never let the feeling out

the seashells in his eyes

and the sandy beaches in his hair

she seems to think it’s worth it

and life won’t get in the way

but the sequel to this daydream

is happier and kind

the sort to make her feel things

no matter how hard she tries

avoidance is the safest

the route to keep the status quo

nothing makes her feel this way

and she wants to let him know

something i wish i could say

this is for you, 23.

i don’t know why, but i like you.

i like your smile.

your eyes, the color of seashells.

i like the way you seem to always know what’s next.

you’re prepared for anything, i guess.

i like that you care.

i like something about you.

but i can’t figure out what it is.

so i guess i will wait and see.

because all i can think about is you, 23.

so much for a productive afternoon.

i wish i could tell you all of this.

but i can’t.

not yet.

not now.

i need a nap.

an early summer day

i let myself get too attached and fell so hard for you

if only i had kept up my guard i wouldn't feel so broken

just the pure stupidity of hearing another girl's name

that makes me feel like nothing more than an afterthought

even if it means nothing to you and the context proves important

i wish i could just understand the way you see me from the outside

the perspective i need to get inside your head

i want to see your face and know that it'll all be worth the while

for all i need and all i know is i feel so lost and alone today

the day i so looked forward to, out in the warm summer breeze

the summer that came three months early

the summer that could mean so much

for me, for you, for what it's worth

i wish i could be with you

pain (physical)

my ankle aches as any ankle would that has been twisted and hurt

i wish it would stop and let me live my life

let me write my essay and not cry over it

even though perhaps i would do that anyway

i think about how he walked behind me

and then in front of me

remembering how he was just then and there

because for the next four days that memory is all i have

and the pain in my foot that won't go away

i dream of him and wonder why he makes me feel so nice

the world is my oyster and the pearl, his name is...

this isn't a rhyming poem shhhh

give me a reason not to worry about my foot

give me a smile and a laugh

tell me everything gets better from here

and i'll believe you

it's you that made me this way

do you think i expected to fall for you?
hold the door and somehow you're mine?
of course,  i knew i liked your face
but how could i have predicted this?
the green sweater, the smile
you won me over so fast
for days i've thought only of you
distraction times one thousand
number twenty three and me
somehow it just seems right
i look in the mirror at my lovelorn eyes
and wonder how i became so smitten
it's obvious, though
that all it took was you
it's you that made me this way.